Thursday, June 30, 2011

Well, that was anticlimactic

Yesterday I cleaned out my closet.  Apparently it's been awhile since it was thoroughly cleaned.  I found five bags of that lovely, long, white underwear that I stopped wearing almost two years ago.  Some of them were maternity and nursing garments.  My baby is 16.  As I cleansed and purged I put all those bags in the trash.  Not a qualm, not a second thought, not a twitch of the eyelid.  Apparently I've been able to purge my brain of many of those ideas I no longer believe in. 

Later that afternoon I stood outside talking to a friend wearing a tank top and capris. (I was wearing the tank, not my friend.)  A scouting acitivity was going on in the church across the street.  There stood the current and former Relief Society presidents.  The bishop drove by and then his wife walked past and stopped to talk to my friend about uncoming scouting activities. I guess it's all out in the open now.  They all got a close up view of Zena's white shoulders in all their uncovered glory.

The only feeling I still have is a touch of bitterness for the 18 years I spent serving in every possible calling in that ward.  I had every one of those scouts in that parking lot in my nursery classes.  Years of my life were spent in that church building with those people.  And it all means nothing to them.  Other families have moved in to the ward and have seamlessly filled that space that I left.  I'm sure I'll get over this feeling too, though.  I've found other things and people to replace them with as well.  Life goes on and mine is taking a turn for the better.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Goooooooooal! And other types of makeovers

Today I reached the 20 pound weight loss goal I set for this round of HCG!  I haven't deviated or cheated on the program (though yesterday I didn't eat my veggies).  I'm not where I want to be but I'm much closer than I was.  It's reminded me that I can do just about anything when I set my mind to it. 

Last night I got the opportunity to get a free Tshirt.  Oh, and to help on the Extreme Makeover home they are building nearby.  The store I work at was asked to provide some people to help move in the furnishings and accessories that had been purchased there.  We were registered and shirted and herded into a "holding" pen where we had plenty of cold drinks and food. (I passed on the food but it wasn't easy.  They had the best looking gourmet ice cream sandwiches I've seen in my life. Literally lust inducing.) The 3 1/2 hours I was there I did maybe 20 minutes worth of work.  Some did more waiting and less work than I did.  But it was interesting and fun and something I will probably never get to experiece again.  And no, Ty Pennington was not there. In fact, I didn't see any familiar faces from the show.  But watching the swarms of blue-shirted workers scurrying around and actually getting things done was the real part of the show.  The rest is just TV.   All in all, an awesome experience.  Can't wait to see the show!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Gay journey of a straight Mormon mom

I did a little celebration dance when I heard that New York had passed their gay marriage bill.  Finally!  And I hope it sticks.

It was just about two years ago (no, it's been three!)  that I found out my son was gay.  The Prop 8 fight was going strong in California but I was only peripherally aware of it.  I was grappling with the fact that I had finally heard from my son's own mouth that he was gay.  No more speculation or denial on my part.  It was fact and I was simply left with the overwhelming question, "what now?!" 

I knew there had to be other parents in this same situation.  Statistically there had to be hundreds just in my end of the valley.  But where were they?  I needed some insight, some clarity.  And, yes, maybe some empathy that only another mom could give.  I Googled different combinations of "gay" "mormon" and "mom".  I read and searched and finally came up with a website which led to a Yahoo! group, Family Fellowship, a group for gay Mormons and their families.  Finally!  I joined the group and jumped head first into a swirling pool of diatribe against the church and Prop 8.  This was NOT what I was looking for!  I needed someone to reassure me that there was a way to stay a good Mormon and have gay child.  After all, marriage was for one man and one woman.  It said so in the Proclamation on the Family that hung on my wall!  Gay marriage had to be evil to go against what the church taught! I needed to find something to bridge that gap between the church and...everything else.  There had to be some perspective I just wasn't seeing and I was desperate to find it.  I was a fifth generation Mormon.  It was my very identity.

I sent out a plea to the group and was messaged back by a woman from the other side of the country.  She listened with love and understanding while I unloaded and then she shared her story with me.  She continued to check in with me occasionally to see how things were going.  When she flew out for an Affirmation conference she invited me to meet her and her husband at an evening fireside of sorts.  I don't know that I  would have had the courage to go otherwise. 

The evening consisted of parents paying tribute to their gay and lesbian children.  One by one each parent got up and lovingly described their child's life and accomplishments.  Successful business owners, activists, gay fathers of adopted children, dancers, athletes.  The program went on for 2 1/2 hours and I sat mesmerized as I drank in every word.   They all looked so NORMAL!  So happy.  Parents and children alike. A few of the parents were in their 70's and 80's and their "children" were my age and older.  They had come out as gay 30 and 40 years ago!  I can only imagine how much harder it must have been then.  I was touched.  I was awed.  And  I did notice that many were no longer in the church.

I continued to read and I attended some Family Fellowship gatherings.  What incredible people.  They reached out with more love and understanding than anything I've ever felt from the church.  And now here I am two years later without a doubt in my mind that gay marriage is a GOOD thing.  The right thing.  To give everyone the same right that you have doesn't weaken our society as the church claims.  It builds it up, makes it stronger.   I'm sure of that now.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

License to fly

Last week I registered my new(ish) car.  I trotted down to the DMV (where I was shocked to find NO WAIT) and paid my taxes and fees.  When the nice woman asked me, "Do you just want your name on the registration?",  I may have answered a little too emphatically, "YES!".  I realized I hadn't worn any sort of jewelry, not even a single ring on my finger.  Must have been my subconscious trying on the freedom of doing things on my own for once.  As I drove down the freeway toward home I felt like I was flying.  I had the radio cranked and The Scorpions "Wind of Change" came on.  Damn, it all just felt like the pieces are falling into place one by one.

So, just my name is on the loan.  Just my name is on the registration.  That makes it MY CAR.  If anyone wants to use it they have to ask me.  My daughter accused me of being "grabby" with the keys but she doesn't understand what this car means to me.  What I've had to go through to get it!  Not just the purchase but the entire pursuit of autonomy that has taken place the past few years.  It's been hard as hell at times learning to listen to my own thoughts and forming my own opinions.  Working through guilt and shame and coming out the other side.  At this moment, the car is the apex of that fight.  Physical proof that I can do things on my own.  And it feels GOOD!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

No news is good news

I was going to post my weight loss daily but I've been losing a slow and steady half pound a day.  No more, no less.  I'm up to a total of 14 1/2 pounds lost.  Bob the belly blob has been reduced almost two sizes.  I'm pulling shirts out of my closet that I haven't been able to wear for months because Bob makes them too tight.  I've also tightened my belt up two whole notches.  If I continue at this rate I will have lost the 20 pounds I was aiming for.  My system feels clean and the carb cravings have been reduced dramatically.  Some days I actually have to force myself to eat all the food I'm supposed to.  Of course, part of that is very small selection of foods that are permitted. I'm getting damn tired of those apples.

To celebrate I went sundress shopping again.  I found one that does not make me look like I belong in the Rose Parade!  This time around I've got to remember how good it feels to eat this way.  How much my body likes it.  The reduced fat content of my body is just an added benefit.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I love this guy!

New York State Senator Roy McDonald is my current hero.  He is one of the few Republicans who will vote to legalize gay marriage.
Senator Roy McDonald.  “You get to the point where you evolve in your life where everything isn't black and white, good and bad, and you try to do the right thing,” McDonald, 64, told reporters. “You might not like that. You might be very cynical about that. Well, fuck it, I don't care what you think. I'm trying to do the right thing.

If only there were his kind here in Utah that saw the world beyond the black and white of the church and just tried to do the right thing.  You go, Roy!

Another half pound down, making 12.  Slower but steady.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I lost another half pound each of the past two days for a total of...drum roll...11 1/2 pounds!  That protruberance above my belt has shrunk considerably.  It likes to compete with my boobs to see which can stick out farther.  I call it Bob.  Bob is ugly.

The problem with losing weight is that I lose it in my boobs as well as other places.  I don't come from a well-endowed family.  One sister's husband calls her chest "nip nip on a rib".  The only reason I got boobs is because I've got a lot more body fat than my sisters do.  As the fat goes, so do the boobs.  *sigh*

That's all I've got.  I think my brain has shut down from lack of alcohol.  At this moment, that's what I miss the most.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Flirtin' or convertin'?

My profile on attracted quite a flurry of activity the first couple of weeks.  Flirts and messages were sent from a plethora of guys.  But on sorting through them, it was apparent that most of them were from SHORT MEN!  Hell for brains!  Didn't they carefully read my profile and notice I'M OVER SIX FEET TALL?! 

Then there was the guy that sent the message "We have been blessed enough to have the truth within our reach if we will take hold of it."  What in the name of shit does that even mean?  If that's the way the guy flirts, it's no wonder he's single. 

The rest of the flirters were pretty much all "endowed" (not well endowed, I'll bet) "temple worthy" "attends church regularly" returned missionaries.  So why were they bothering to send flirts to an ex-Mormon dildo pusher?  I've pondered this for awhile and still can only come up with one explanation.  They are a bunch of hypocritical ass-holes. One guy did admit that, while he holds a current recommend, "a lot can change in two years".  Still sounds like a hypocrit to me.

On a lighter note, another 3 1/2 lbs have been lost.  That's 10 1/2 total!  I know it's going to slow down and probably even plateau, but I'm enjoying this while it lasts.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A sincerely successful Sunday and some wienerschnitzel

So, it's not even noon yet and I've already finished most of chores I was going to do today.  This is odd.  I am generally not a morning person but I'm full of energy today!  Day two brought a loss of four pounds and on day three I lost three more.  That's seven pounds of fat gone! And my energy level is much higher than normal. (Okay, I'm not a high energy person at the best of times so it doesn't take much.) 

In other news, I'm very immature when it comes to humor (if you couldn't tell by now) and I don't think I'm the only one, because everyone seems to be having fun with poor Rep. Weiner's recent troubles.  I giggle at every headline (pun intended).  At just about the same time that WeinerGate broke, a friend gave me this T-shirt picked up on a recent trip.
Coincidence?  I'd post the famous crotch shot but I'm sure we've all seen it by now.  And frankly, they all look the same.

Have a weenie good Sunday all you heathens out there!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Good news/bad news

It was the first weigh-in on the low calorie part of the diet this morning.  The verdict?  I lost 4.5 pounds!  The bad news?  That's exactly what I gained from the two fat-loading days. 

But what fun days they were!  I ate anything I wanted as long as the fat content was high.  The irony is that I was craving a piece of fruit or some greens but I went for the double bacon cheeseburger and fries instead.  Donuts, cake and Ben and Jerry's were shoved down my throat.  I asked the barista at Starbuck's for the fattiest thing on the menu and had it with extra whipped cream.  I was feeling sick by the end of the second day.  Maybe that's another reason why you're supposed to fat-load.  Those apples look damn good the next day.

I can't even count the number of times yesterday that I subconsciously reached for food and caught myself just before it hit my mouth.  I walk through the kitchen and my hand just automatically reaches for a couple of oreos or a handful of granola.  No wonder the weight has crept back on so easily!  I can't imagine how many calories I must have shoveled in without my even thinking about it.

So on to day two!  I'm grillin' me an onion...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Just a little off the ass, please

I had a checkup the other day and I got on a scale for the first time since my last doctor's visit.  I knew I'd gained weight.  I've bought a few pairs of jeans in larger sizes.  My stretchy pants still fit but they look like black sausage casings and tend to highlight the cellulite instead of smoothing over it.  But I still wasn't expecting the scale to scream, "You've gained back two-thirds of the weight you lost, lard ass!!"  It's no wonder the sundresses I have been trying on make me look like a parade float.

I've never been a willowy model type and I've come to terms with that.  I'm a big girl at the best of times. I'm vertically enhanced and I like to eat.  I like the term "brick house" because you wouldn't want to crash your car into me--the car would sustain serious damage.  But there comes a point where "brick house" turns to "blubber house" even on my elongated bod.  I'm leaving in exactly four weeks for Vegas to celebrate my 49th birthday and I don't want to go looking like this:

So it's time for some drastic action.  I'm starting a round of HCG.  I've done the fun part and fat-loaded for two days.  Now I start the detox.  In 21 days my system will be cleansed of those nasty carb cravings and I'm hoping to be at least 15 pounds lighter.  (Last time I did this I lost 20 so I think 15 is a very reasonable hope.)  I won't be fitting into my skinniest jeans but I hope to be less float-worthy.  To keep myself accountable I will post my weight loss (or gain) daily.  For any of you who give a shit.  Bring on the apples and chicken!

Monday, June 6, 2011

What a German...

What do you call a constipated German?  FahrfrompĆ¼pin

What do you call a bra in German?  Keepemfromfloppin

What do you call a tampon in German?  Twatstika

What do you call a gynocologist in German?
Hans Upperkunt

What do you call Vaseline in German?  Vienerschlide

What do you call a blind German?  A nazi

What do you call a German who's left on a trip?  You don't.

So the Sour Kraut and the eldest daughter have gone on a road trip for a few days.  I am expecting high doses of peace and quiet.  Between my work and play practice for the youngest, the dogs will be lonely.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Attack of the killer gossip

"Zena!  What are you doing here?"

Um, I'm wearing a name badge and handling the merchandise.  I thought it was obvious.  "I work here."

It was Mouthlissa.  Former Relief Society secretary and ward gossip.  "Don't you work at Local Quasi-Government Agency?"

"No, I quit that three years ago."  I guess she's not up on the gossip anymore.

"Well, you look fantastic!  What have you been doing with yourself?"

"Yesterday I was banged repeatedly in a hotel room.  You know, sex is great for the complexion.  I think I even lost a few pounds from the workout.  And all that rolling around in bed put a lot of body and volume in my hair."

No, I didn't really say it.  But it was so damn tempting.