Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Dead drunk

My daughter got her first lead in a play and she's over the moon. It's a one-act play about teenage drinking. Yes, that's the subject. When she first got the part she was a little dubious of her ability to act inebriated.

"Mom, I've never even SEEN a drunk person except those homeless people downtown! I've got to research on how to look drunk!"

Since there's a book for everything she found an acting book that explained the process of not only acting drunk, but also stoned, drugged and other various impairments. She explained to me exactly how long it took for one beer to last in the body and how fast to drink. She researches the hell out of everything she does. I sat there sipping my evening gin and Fresca as she educated me on booze. The irony was a little unsettling but amusing too.

I've been running lines with her as she memorizes her part and it's been rough. Hokey dialogue and just plain bad writing dominate. But even worse is that every person in the play ends up somehow injured or just plain dead! One guy becomes a rapist and a girl is raped. Another girl drives drunk and kills her best friend. No one escapes the grip of the Demon Alcohol.  Because just one sip will doom you to a life of suffering, pain and death! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

I've never looked like this. Promise.

*sigh* Now, I'm not in favor of teenage drinking but there has to be a more balanced way of portraying booze. Yes, there are alcoholics and impaired driving of ANY type is never okay.  But alcohol is enjoyed in moderation by millions of people. Including me, her mother. Somehow I need to teach her that but I'm still very afraid of what her reaction would be if she found out.  She's been indoctrinated thoroughly, at church and at school. It's the conundrum of the day.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Vertically enhanced for your viewing pleasure

Don't you just love it when you are going about your life, doin' your thang, and out of the blue someone has to remind you that you're an abnormal freak? *sigh* As if just trying to exist in this vertical stunted world isn't hard enough, rude people have to constantly remind you of your strangeness

I just found this hilarious video that is soooo my life!  You short-ass people probably won't find it nearly as funny but it's only a minute so give it a watch.

Now I really want someone to call me a "fine-ass tree princess"! Any volunteers?

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Good golly, Sister Molly

Molly, the naive Mormon woman with a penchant for cream-filled doughnuts and all things that vibrate has won me an award! Well, tied me an award. I tied with the great Emily Pearson and I couldn't be happier. (Okay, if I'd beaten her into the dust I would have been eating-a-cream-filled-doughnut happy. But I'm still happy.) I'm also shocked and awed. It pays off to have five friends with lots of computers to vote from.

I had my acceptance speech all written and found the cutest denim jumper at DI. I was even going to be daring and wear leggings with it so I could outrage all those BYU guys. And then I find out there's no ceremony or anything! All that denim, wasted. Emily and I could have walked up the red carpet hand-in-hand and accepted the award together. She could have worn that adorable straight jacket she models on the cover of her book.  (She would have had to wear heels though and I'd wear my flats because I'm pretty sure she's short.) But instead, all I get is this:

She looks like my mom. Seriously.

I've put the denim back in the closet for another special occasion and I will wear the badge with pride on my blog. I am a winner! And I'll even buy Emily a drink sometime.

As for what happens to Molly, I picture her finally discovering that what she's really been doing all along is masterbation and she embraces it, creating a line of  adorable vibrators that were so well disguised they became as ubiquitous in Mormon homes as the framed "Proclamation to the Family". She leaves Martin, the odious husband, and finds herself a young boy-toy who fulfills her every fantasy. (You know, doughnuts and chocolate and lots of sex.)

Thank you, Molly, and all my readers. I am so blessed! *sniff*

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Ways to warp your child

Me: You know what a muffin top is? Well, I got a whole bakery coming out of my pants!

Her: Mom, I did NOT need that visual!

Maybe she would have preferred this one.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

We interrupt the regularly scheduled posting...

I had my next blog post all written up in my brain and was going to put it down when I got home from work. Unfortunately, I looked at Facebook first and now I can't even remember what the hell I was going to write about because of what I saw. Talk about holy shit on the wall.

The big news this week has been about the repeal of Prop. 8. It's fanfuckingtastic news and I've been doing a little happy dance since I heard. But since I've stopped attending church and have surrounded myself with thinking, informed people, I'd forgotten how much insanity and misinformation is still out there. Well, I was reminded big time.

I have a young friend (he's on the far side of his twenties but he's young to me) who posted his take on the repeal of Prop 8. He's a member of the church but disagrees with the church's involvement and gently stated his opinion that everyone should have the right to marry. This is a kind, caring and non-judgmental man. But boy, does he have some self-righteous, bigoted and blind assholes for friends. With his permission I'm sharing some of the shit. The first comment to his post was this doozy:

I never question or judge the church and our General Authorities on any matter or decision they have made. I believe and have a testimony of our leaders and I will stand by their decisions because they are decisions from our Father in Heaven whom has a far greater understanding than I do of things pertaining to this earth. I also don't know why black men couldn't hold the priesthood for so long but there was a reason at the time. I will stand by our prophets decision always. I can't see them changing their stance on this issue ever. A big part of the decision is that we come here to multiply and replenish the earth and that can only be done between a man and a woman. There are so many arguments here but in the end it comes down to the one and only answer that I've repeated over and over here...if the decision comes from our leaders then it comes from God...and who wants to argue with the All Knowing!? *FYI- I don't mean to offend anyone and hope that I can post my opinion and not offend anyone!

The ignorance, it burns! Because nothing is more ignorant than completely blind obedience. "Who wants to argue, who wants to think? I'm just gonna do what they tell me while I pump out babies!"

The next comment was no better. And I copied and pasted it so all misspellings and typos are the asshole's not mine.

The reason why the church is perusing this so heavily is that if it becomes a civil rights issue, then a same-sex couple could sue to be able to get married in a LDS temple, because they think its a pretty building. Then the temples start closing down in states where same-sex marriage is legal and the work stops. Also, another thing that is central to the plan of happiness is eternal marriage and bringing kids here to earth. You need a man and a women to accomplish that. And the church isn’t saying hurtful things about people with same sex attraction… That’s stuff that has been assumed by the ignorant and words that have been stuffed in their mouths. Read what the apostles have said and what the official statements from the church have said. There’s no hate. Only love.

Oh, where to begin with that one? Even the most casual research shoots down the whole "suing to get married in the pretty temple" crap. And the church doesn't say hurtful things about same-sex attraction?! This guy must have been raised with his head up his ass. Read a church book, dude! Listen to a conference talk with your ears actually open. Hate said lovingly is still hate and it is spewed with abandon in doctrine and attitude.

Half a dozen times I typed out a comment and each time I deleted it. I'm not good at arguing, whether face-to-face or online. I'm reduced to a stuttering, muttering idiot that can't string three coherent words together and it's not pretty. Only one person responded with any logic and sanity. I have no idea who he is but I love him already. He was the lone voice of reason but was labeled a "faggot" and pelted with hate by the others. I "liked" each of his comments in silent support as I watched this fuckery unfold. And soon I realized my tiny contribution was noticed when a friend request from this man popped up on my screen. So in spite of being a chicken of the first degree I have an awesome new friend! The best kind of friend--the kind that thinks for himself.

Friday, February 3, 2012

I'm a brazen and shameless hussy

Here's an adorable begging dog to tug at your heart.
So...I mentioned that I've been nominated for a Brodie. Well, the voting has started over at Main Street Plaza and since this is the biggest thing that's happened to me since I gave birth to a 10 lb baby ( and that was DECADES ago), I'm going to openly and shamelessly beg for you to go and vote! I'm up against some stiff competition and I can use all the help I can get.  So take a few minutes and wander over there. I promise it will be less painful than birthing a giant baby. And while you're at it, you should read some of the stuff that's been nominated in other catagories. Some good shit there. It'll make you think and that's good for the brain cells.

When you hit the link you'll have to scroll waaaaay down to the "Best Erotic or Sexual Piece". It's almost to the bottom so don't get discouraged and give up before you get down to it! Then just click on "Molly's Saga" and you will have done your good deed for the day and made a sad and pathetic middle-aged woman happy.

Was that shameless and pathetic enough?