Monday, December 19, 2011

Oh, holy shite

I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. When I was in the church, I was all in. Everything was right and I tried my best to live all of it. Now I don't believe at least parts of it so it seems I've thrown all of it out. I'm not even sure I'm a Christian anymore. Maybe one day I'll figure out exactly what I believe, but right now I'm still a muddled mess. This is the first year I haven't put out my nativity set. Not so much because I don't want to, as because I didn't do much decorating and I'm lazy. So it sits in a box in the basement while a small tree stands decorated without the normal angel at the top of it. My holiday decorations minus religion.

A friend shared this video with me and I immediately loved it. And not just because I think Tim Minchin is weirdly sexy. No, it's because he loves Christmas while thinking that the religion side of it is shite.

I don't go in for ancient wisdom.
I don't believe just because ideas are tenacious
It means they are worthy.
I get freaked out by churches.
Some of the hymns that they sing have nice chords
But the lyrics are dodgy.

The holiday is about being with family, simple presents of socks and chocolates, and drinking white wine in the sun. And that's enough and more.

Watch this and feel my Christmas spirit. And laugh. I LOVE this guy.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Pray the tall away

I have finally realized after all these years that I made a choice. I chose to be tall. It wasn't genetics or the fact that I grew up in a part of the world with plenty of healthy food and safe water that allowed my body to grow to it's tallest potential. No, that had nothing to do with it. Because, you see, God simply doesn't make tall people. He wouldn't do that to us. This is a choice I made and I should stop whining about the consequences.

Because I chose to be tall I should just keep silent when people make derogatory remarks about my extreme verticality. They chose to be a more moderate height and therefore they may make rude comments on my choice to be tall. If I'm putting myself out there and flaunting my height in their faces, I deserve any remarks they see fit to make. If I don't want the teasing, I should simply stop acting so tall.

I deserve no special accommodations because of my choice. Just because shorter people can waltz into a store, find a great fitting pair of jeans, easily purchase them and take them home, that doesn't mean I should be able to do the same. I chose to have a long inseam so I should just accept the difficulty in clothing myself. I do not deserve to have pants like others who have made a different choice. Long pants are not a right.

It's unnatural to look down on other people's bald spots. It makes them uncomfortable, too. People shouldn't be able to reach high shelves or touch the ceiling. It's just not right. Shorter men do not like procreating with taller women so this goes against God's plan for us. It's just all kinds of wrong.

People tell me they love me but hate my height. If I can become like they are then they can love and acceept me fully. The church tells me if I pray enough, if I have faith enough and if I'm worthy enough, I will be cured of this gangly choice and become acceptable in the sight of God and good Christian people. I'm also going to ask Santa to bring me short legs for Christmas.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Healed by the power of Dog

Yea, for behold I was struck with an mighty illness, like unto that which made mine guts wrench and heave. Struck mightely and suddenly was I, and was laid low in mine agony.

Behold, mine Dog did minister to me in mine suffering, annointing mine body with His fuzzy warmth. Yea, He didst ease mine wretched shivering.  He didst watch over mine retching and barfing and comfort mine soul with His presence. Yea, He didst sleep by mine side till mine suffering eased.

And thus dost I testify that I was healed, behold, I have been healed beyond measure by the furry power of Dog. Amen.