Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Bitch and shoot

A few posts about boozing have caught my attention lately and it got me thinking about my experimentations with alcohol.  And you know where that leads.  Yep.  Another gaseous eruption.

Growing up in a small town there wasn't much to do but drink and have sex.  I abstained from alcohol like a good girl but took up smoking for a while.  Nasty habit but I didn't inhale much.  (If you're curious about the sex, check my earlier posts.)  My first drink was just after my 47th birthday and I was with a bunch of other "mormon" women, some who had imbibed before and some virgins like me.  A couple of those women became my drinking buddies and we would go out periodically to let off a little steam.  (I call them my 'ho friends but they're really not.  Ho's that is.  Hos?  Whatever.) 

We hit the liquor store frequently, gawking and gazing and sampling many different things over time.  We tried to act cool like going to buy booze was old hat but I'm sure we stuck out like snowy white garments in a brothel.  The bar scene wasn't appealing (we're all married and waaaay over 30) but we managed to find places to take our booze and hang out, drinking, bitching and eating.  We accumulated mixers and cups and various liquor bottles and put them in a large plastic container, naming it our "sin bin".  Very handing for taking places and making our own party.  Just add ice and stir.

Not having experience with learning moderation, I've thrown up quite a few dollars worth of  booze in various places. So here are some things I have learned about liquor that I wish I'd known sooner.

1. Never let someone with a stuffy nose and a cold mix the drinks.  And especially don't let her use Bicardi 151.  On the other hand, she will be able to hold your head while you vomit and everyone else is running from the stench.  Then again, it's her fault for mixing drinks that could start a fire.

2.  Never take "just one last shot" of Jagermeister.  It will always be one too many and you'll ruin someone's mashed potato bowl.

3. Don't mix rum and chocolate cake.  *shudder*

4. Embrace the barf.  A good friend taught me this.  Don't fight it.  Just let it out.  You'll feel much better.

5. Just because you only drink every couple of months doesn't mean you have to get completely plastered.  Calm down.  There will be another time now that you don't have to worry about that pesky temple recommend.




  1. At our Relief Society Christmas dinner, a bunch of the women, including the RS pres, kept sneaking out to the parking lot to drink. Have I mentioned I really like this ward?

  2. I don't understand why I never knew any of these kind of people. I might have stayed around longer if I had people like this in the last ward I attended. Ahem...Brandi.

  3. One of the women in the original group tattled to the bishop so I don't think they ever drank again. And I cannot even begin to imagine our RS president sneaking out to drink! That would definitely make ward parties more bearable.

  4. So... Are you going to share the story behind lesson #2?

  5. I feel so deprived that I never knew any Mormon women like this. How come Mormon Jesus didn't give me any cool ho friends? Asshole.

  6. You were able to sneak out with the RS Pres to drink? Wow! We got in trouble for playing "Bunco" because it was considered gambling. But then again, we drank while playing Bunco...

  7. Koda I'll save that story for another time. The really funny thing is, my family doesn't have a clue. Not even the hubs.

  8. So glad you found my blog so I could find yours! These posts are so fun. I hear it takes many a year to work through this no worries

  9. Wow. RS presidents out drinking!!! Yeah, I probably would've stayed in longer too! But alas I'm in ultra-conservative Utah County where everyone feels that Obama is the anti-christ and Glenn Beck is a true national hero...sigh. LOL

  10. Utah County makes me itch. Literally.

  11. I would give you my mashed potato bowl any day!

    I love your blog! You are genius, hilarious, and genuine.

    I am elated for you, that you have this blog as an outlet. I'm proud of you for using it! It looks like many people relate and benefit from your experiences....YOU are brave to speak out in the zombie brain washed world of Zion.

    I'm privileged to know you JK ;)

  12. oops!!! sorry....
    I mean JZ :)