Friday, September 2, 2011

Why I hate kids

Let me make it clear that I like some kids.  I have four and I think they're awesome.  I have friends with kids and I think their kids are damn cute.  It's those hordes of strange kids that surround me at work every single day that drive me insane.  I'm exposed to more kids while working retail than if I were working at a day care.  So here are the top reasons I hate those kids:

1) They have no sense of personal space.  They walk where they want to and stand where they want to and don't even notice any other body that might be in their way.  As I was swiping my credit card at the checkout one day, I almost whacked a kid in the head, he was standing so close.  His mom was standing about six feet back but he was nestled right up to me. I could smell his hair. My own kids don't even stand that close to me.

Then there was the little girl who came out of nowhere and ran full speed into my legs as I was just STANDING THERE.  Over six feet of full-bodied glory and she didn't even see me.  Since I was about 10 times her body mass she pinballed off my thighs, into a rack of jewelry and onto the floor. It didn't hurt me a bit.  It was like being rear-ended by a gnat. But it took that collision to finally get her mother off her damn cell phone for a minute to notice what her child was doing.

2)They make noise.  Constantly.  I was working in the shoe aisles for about fifteen minutes and the entire time a little girl was singing, "cha cha cha" and pulling at awkward places on her leotard.  Her mother was so used to it that she was completely zoned out. I had to walk away before I lost it and shouted, "Just shut the fuck up for one minute, you annoying little bastard!"  Her mother might have finally come out of her Xanax stupor and gotten mad at me.

3) They have high, piping voices that, when combined with 50 other kids high, piping voices, creates a dissonance that could deafen a dog.  Or give a crabby woman a headache. Which it does each and every day.

I could go on and on but I sound like enough of a bitch as it is.  It's time for me to buck up, get dressed and face the unwashed mass of short humanity.  And their parents.


  1. One time I was at the grocery store check out and a kid took one of those stretchy things they use to hook across the aisle when the check out's closed, pulled it really really tight, then let it fly. The metal hook smacked me on my thigh. I involuntarily cried out when it hit me then held onto my thigh because it kept hurting. The mom just gave me a dirty look like I was being dramatic. Apparently I was supposed to think her little monster was cute.

    Sigh. Have a nice day! :)

  2. When my kids were little, Fred Meyer had a supervised play area for kids while their moms shopped. I loved it! I just had to sign them in and promise to be back in one hour. For a frazzled mother, it was a heavenly hour to shop by myself w/out kids crying for everything they saw and hanging onto me. I don't know why they quit doing that, but it was good for business because I probably would've shopped at that "other" place...

  3. I will never understand the parents to take ALL THEIR KIDS AND BOTH PARENTS TO [fill in the blank, i.e. Costco]. WTF is wrong with those people? Who in their right mind likes shopping at Costco with all 10 of their children? Seriously. Do they just want the rest of us to feel their pain and suffer for their poor reproductive choices? JFC.

  4. This is why I'm childfree by choice! Children's behavior is too nerve-wracking for me.

  5. Donna, I'll bet that mom gave you the same look that mom gave me when her kid hit me--like it was MY fault. Urg.

    Barb. what happened to Fanny? And I remember Fred Meyer. I took my kids there too. Heaven!

    CD, I do think that the sheer number of kids in this state makes it worse. I've heard it's not that bad in other states... :)

    Ahab, it should be a choice to have children or not! Unfortunately in this culture it's not really a choice, it's an expectation. I love my kids but sometimes I wonder if I should have been a mother.