So I haven't blogged much recently. My mind has been a cesspool of emotions and thoughts that flit in and out so fast I can't fasten on them for any length of time. The other day I hit bottom. Or what seemed like bottom.
I've had a bad cold and have been running on exhaustion and over-the-counter drugs. I desperately need a car and had applied again for a car loan using just my own little income. No word and I was getting discouraged.
My daughter is just about to get fired from the job that I've been doing for nine months to support her at school. I stuck my neck out to get it for her and she doesn't like it. I don't really like the job either but I do it and make the best of it. Her attitude frustrates and angers me. I cannot and will not continue to support her.
Various other factors were falling on me like the hideous dark rain falling outside and I felt hopeless. Helpless. Trapped. For a few minutes I even thought about committing myself. A few days or weeks of drugged-out rest in a clean white place sounded quite nice. I have a friend who did that when life and her kids got the best of her. But in the end you have to be released and face reality so it's just putting off the inevitable.
So I did the next best thing. I went out with a friend. We sat in her car in the pouring rain and I cried. I raged. And eventually when the rain and I dried up, we went to the dollar store. In the morning my head felt clearer. The bank called and I had finally been approved for enough of a loan to buy the seven year old car another friend is selling. I thought all day at work until my brain was threatening to explode and then I had an epiphany. I need to get this divorce and soon. For my own sanity. I came up with a plan which I hope will minimize the pain and disruption to all of us. Here's hoping it works.
Meanwhile, with the help of some wild and witty Facebook friends, I've decided on the name of my business:
Iron Rods and Tender Mercies--Celestial delights at wholesale prices. Should be a hit with the TBM crowd.
Just know that if you have yourself committed, I'll get to see you every single day! Well, at least 4 days a week. But it sounds like your own therapy worked for you. Sometimes all you need is a good bawl session with a good friend. Hugs to you and hoping this car thing works out for you. It looks like a pretty decent car.
ReplyDeleteDitto Fanny, a good cry clears the air. Glad to hear you're getting a car.
ReplyDeleteI think it's awesome that your business will allow Mormon women to enjoy some quality "Me Time." May they do it guilt free!! God knows they don't get it anywhere else.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're feeling a little better, JZ. May your divorce happen as soon and as painlessly as possible.
Fanny, you work at the mental hospital? I did not know that.
ReplyDeleteCD, I feel I'm doing a real service to these oppressed women. I consider my business to be the real "relief" society.
Yes JZ. Though sometimes I feel like I should live there. Such a fine line with mental illnesses in our culture.
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