Tuesday, November 16, 2010

How to get a concussion in five minutes or less

I mentally brace myself and answer the phone.

Oh, hi mom...  Yes, I know I'm hard to get in touch with.  I work a lot...  No, I didn't hear last Sunday's Relief Society lesson.  I was working... Yes, I know we shouldn't work on the sabbath but I need the money right now...  My calling?  I'm the um, family history thingy person (technically, but they only asked me because they wanted my husband's tech skills). 

No, he was released from the bishopric a while ago.  (I know you equate a person's worth by their calling.  Sorry to disappoint you.)

*massage temples with fingers*

Um, no, I haven't been to the temple in a while (because I haven't had a recommend in years and prefer thongs now). 

No, I didn't hear much of conference.  (I shut myself in my room and tried to drown out the noise as much as possible.)

*gently thump head with palm of hand*

Yes, the talks are online and I could read them.  (Especially the one that calls my wonderful son unnatural and immoral and said god never would create someone like him.)

*gently beat head on wall*

No I didn't see the devotional on KBYU.  (I only watch the cooking shows on that channel.)

No I haven't talked to her in a while (she may be my sister but she's the devil and I refuse to let her poison my life anymore).  I don't mean to put our eternal family in jeapardy, mom.  

*pound head a little harder*

The kids are just fine, mom.  (Your grandson is gay and happy and doing great, though we don't dare tell you he's gay because you're incredibly close-minded and bigoted.)

*realize I'm unconsciously pounding my head but can't stop*

Sorry, mom, but I need to go to work.  (I'd talk with you longer but every word out of your mouth has to do with The Church and it's giving me a headache.)

I love you too, mom.  Bye.

1 comment:

  1. I have had this VERY conversation with my mother. Weird. It's all, "How's your new ward? What's your calling? Why don't you have a calling ...?"

    Don't these people know how to have a normal conversation? No need to answer the rhetorical question. ...