Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Whiny and introspective

I was reading in my room the other day when an unfamiliar emotion blindsided me with it's intensity.  I needed, craved, ached for my husband's arms around me, to feel the enveloping sense of security, peace and love.  As I sat shocked and trembling and tried to analyze the feeling, I remembered that rarely in the last thirty years have I ever felt this from him and on the occasions that I did it was short-lived.  He would do something insensitive or asinine and I would realize it was all an illusion anyway.  The times that I really needed emotional, or even physical, support were the times that I was let down the most.  When I finally realized that he was simply incapable of emotional connection was when I felt freed from the guilt and pain of not being enough woman to bring it out in him.

So why this feeling from out of nowhere?  I've been turning this around and around in my brain for days with no answers.  I still feel this marriage needs to end but I can't seem to pull the trigger and blast away the only life my daughters have known.  The words hover on the end of my tongue but I can't seem to utter them.  Yet.  But we all need to move on.  Me, my husband AND our kids. 

I HATE  being whiny and introspective!  It puts me in the worst mood.


  1. Sorry Zena. :( Sending cyber-hugs your way.

  2. Emotional distance is something many Mormons seem to do well. But it's still impossible to not mourn the loss of what should have been.

    Count me in the group hug.

  3. Thanks, Donna and CD. I'm snapping out of it and back to my old snarky self.

  4. Hey Snarky girl... I love you!!! I really really do! You're trying to hold on to your familiar life and need some comfort from someone who's been a big part of your life, even though he's been emotionally indifferent. When you find the right time to move on (and you'll know when that time is), you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Group hugger too.

  5. I feel ya. I think about the D-word often.