Thursday, January 13, 2011

Titillating Titles

If, hypothetically, I were to follow Cognitive Dissenter's suggestion and write a book, what might be a good title?  Hmmmm...

It Must Have Been the Herbal Supplements I Took When I Was Pregnant Because God Doesn't Make Gay People

How To Raise A  Gay Happy Kid In the Midst of Intolerance Zion  (I'd have to clean that one up a bit or Deseret Book wouldn't carry it.)

Battery-Operated Sex and Other Gratifying Mormon Sins

Never Attend a Tabernacle Organ Recital With a Hangover (because the last few bars of  "Come, Come Ye Saints" will make you want to vomit on those saintly pioneer pews) and other life lessons

I Was a Sixth-Generation Pioneer--finding my way OUT of the church

How to Look Like a Relief Society President So You'll Get a Promotion at Work--a true story of the miracle of dowdiness

Okay, I've put off the housework long enough.  Time to wash my thongs and lacey bras.

Oh!  Oh!  Just one more:

But Garments Cover My Stretch Marks So Well! and other reasons to stay Mormon


  1. Awesome! They're funny, and yet at the same time, the element of truth which makes the funny is a little sad as well.

  2. Back when I weighed 300 pounds (and still wore my garments) I loved how they kept my thighs from rubbing together and chaffing. So, I'm throwing my support behind that last one.

  3. You CRACK me up!!! I would be the first to buy your book, whatever the title. They're ALL good!

  4. Koda, sadly, I don't anything is funnier than the truth. You can't make this shit up.

    Brandi, I am so glad to know you haven't always been a skinny bitch. I've gained so much weight this past year that I'm afraid someone will spot me sunning myself by the pool in Vegas, yell, "beached whale!" and try to roll me into the water. If this happens, please stop them.

    Fanny, I much prefer laughing to crying. And who knows, maybe I do have a book in. I've found a lot of stuff in me this past year that I never know I had.

  5. I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've ever been called a skinny bitch. I wish it were true. I had gastric bypass surgery 2 years ago and lost 155 pounds. 7 months ago I guess I was pretty skinny, but I've gained 18 pounds back since then and I feel like a tub o' lard. But no worries about Vegas. With the exception of Tex, everyone else falls into the normal to beached whale category.

  6. These are awesome! I would imagine that you might start out with a working title and tweak it throughout the writing process. Then the publisher might want to change it anyway.

    Personally, I'm kind of toying with the idea of writing a book with a title based on inspiring reminders of the temple, like, "We will go down," or "I hid myself because I was naked," or maybe "Strength in the loins." There is always, "The woman thou gavest me ..." or "Eve! What is this thou hast done?" or "The serpent beguiled me and I drank beer. (It is delicious to the taste and very desirable.)"

  7. i'm hoping they'll invent a sarcasm font before I write my book.