So I gots me a car. My ho friend was so proud of me. She was listing off my accomplishments of the past couple of years: (in no particular order)
I stopped going to church. Not even for holidays. Especially not for Mother's Day!
I took of my garments and bought sexy, black underwear.
I bought a coffee maker and proudly use it in front of the entire family. I can even make it taste good now!
I got my own health insurance.
I bought a car all on my own.
So, I'm slowly making some progress toward living my own authentic life. And it feels good. Really good. I'm not plagued by constant guilt like I was for decades. I'm thinking for myself. Doing for myself. Sometimes I'm scared out of my mind, but I'm not feeling guilt.
But last night I had a dream. In it, I received a phone call from the bishop saying I was being called in for a bishop's court. There is plenty for me to be excommunicated for. I happily add to the list all the time and some of those things I don't even blog about, believe it or not. Yes, there is plenty to hold a "court of love" for. And having been the victim of one some 30 years ago, it is not something I want to do again. So in this dream, uncharacteristically enough, I was fairly calm and coherent. I made it clear I would not attend. I was resigning effective immediately. I know they make it more difficult than that to resign but in my dream this was enough.
So today I am thinking, is this my next step? It's a big one. My TBM kids would really have a fit. But somehow it feels right. Not in a spirichul way but in an intellectual way. I'VE chosen my path and I'm heading down it. It feels right. Authentic. It feels damn good.