So I gots me a car. My ho friend was so proud of me. She was listing off my accomplishments of the past couple of years: (in no particular order)
I stopped going to church. Not even for holidays. Especially not for Mother's Day!
I took of my garments and bought sexy, black underwear.
I bought a coffee maker and proudly use it in front of the entire family. I can even make it taste good now!
I got my own health insurance.
I bought a car all on my own.
So, I'm slowly making some progress toward living my own authentic life. And it feels good. Really good. I'm not plagued by constant guilt like I was for decades. I'm thinking for myself. Doing for myself. Sometimes I'm scared out of my mind, but I'm not feeling guilt.
But last night I had a dream. In it, I received a phone call from the bishop saying I was being called in for a bishop's court. There is plenty for me to be excommunicated for. I happily add to the list all the time and some of those things I don't even blog about, believe it or not. Yes, there is plenty to hold a "court of love" for. And having been the victim of one some 30 years ago, it is not something I want to do again. So in this dream, uncharacteristically enough, I was fairly calm and coherent. I made it clear I would not attend. I was resigning effective immediately. I know they make it more difficult than that to resign but in my dream this was enough.
So today I am thinking, is this my next step? It's a big one. My TBM kids would really have a fit. But somehow it feels right. Not in a spirichul way but in an intellectual way. I'VE chosen my path and I'm heading down it. It feels right. Authentic. It feels damn good.
I have chills reading this.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's the spirit- maybe it's the A/C.
Either way, we are all behind you. It's not easy to take such big steps, but you are doing it! With each passing day, you are proving to yourself that you ARE worth it. Consider this a big hug.
You go GIRL!
ReplyDeleteJust FYI (take it or leave it). I didn't do the resign thing. It felt too much like asking for permission. Instead I sent a notarized letter, a formal notice that I had terminated my membership. I had them sign for it. After a little dancing with Greg Dodge, they finally sent the boilerplate letter stating they had removed my name from the records ... blah blah blah.
Technically, the First Amendment is YOUR right. Once they have notice that you are not a member, you're done. Fuck their little silly rules and protocol.
I've decided that I'll in the next seven days send the letter. Its time..... I have a special case that my bishop lives next door, and he's my brother.
ReplyDeleteAre you planing to "cutomize" the new car like the last one? Sorry, I just had to add that.
Tex, it's warm enough to use the AC? Lucky you.
ReplyDeleteCD, i'ts a small chance a court would be held for me but there is definitely a chance and I would resign before letting them hold one, with or without me. I will not let them ex me.
StillSmallVoice, this car will stay in it's virginal state. I've learned a few things this past year.
Yay! Life after mormonism is delicious isn't it? I guess we can thank mormonism for that fact at least...
ReplyDelete